I got my bus route 3 weeks ago.
I’ve been driving the same run every single day in a little short yellow bus
Every morning
I start down Newberry Hill, I cross the railroad tracks, get on the highway, and steer my way south for 40 minutes.
The mornings are filled with fog so I turn on my mirror defrosters.
The little bus humms along the peninsula, and the doors squeak because they don’t fully close.
The heater finally turns to hot air as I get on the highway.
The sunrise greets me; the Puget Sound lies to my left
steady, constant, in the dawn
It’s quiet, it’s stable, it’s space..
It’s just me on the bus for the first hour
space to be with Jesus
Space to be with myself
That’s how it always is in honest prayer...
To be with Jesus means to bring our present self..
The self that is currently experiencing whatever it is really experiencing
Whether that’s sorrow or joy, and all that is in between
To be met with.... Well.... Jesus...
Who is always exuding peace... compassion... deep... deep love...
I get off the highway into the city..
I slow down to 25 miles per hour along the Bay Drive
It’s all so slow.
Repetitive.
Methodical.
The same scenery every morning
It weaves itself deeper into my soul each day
Thank you God for this route..
It is space to pray after such a brutal, crushing season.
To look back on...
Loss of community.
Loss of pastoring
Loss of calling.... Or at least rediscovering calling.
Loss of church.
Disillusionment with church.
Hard. Messy. Nasty fallout.
Broken trust.
Confusing interactions.
A broken heart.
and finally the stability and distance to drive a bus every day and untangle the mess it’s accumulated in my heart.
To let it unravel.
... slowly...
To let prayer be a place where I can meet Jesus as He is...
and be met as I am.
My broken emotions are all bent out of their natural shape..
unprocessed...
finally out of survival mode..
with some space to feel it all with healthy distance…
What does this prayer time look like to me?...
A mental picture... such as a daydream
Of the Lord Jesus sitting in the passenger seat as I drive.
He is quiet.
Clothed in... well... Jesus robes...
Little needs to be said..
The presence He exudes is so quiet and grounded that I have to get quiet to hear it...
And all I hear in the quiet is more quiet...
There’s a certain sound to quiet...
It’s the absence of noise....
Queit has a quality that imprints onto our soul
Something our spirit longs for and our flesh avoids
Jesus brings my loud screaming soul to a quiet place..
He Recenters the many noises of hurt that have been carried for far too long
Jesus quiets them by His presence of peace
This is my vision of comfort.
Jesus… on a short bus as I drive...
We pick up the first student...
The mom hugs the student goodbye.
The student gets on the bus sleepily, quietly.
my Am students are quiet the whole drive
thank you Jesus for this route
We drive down back roads deep into the woods to pick up the next student.
We cross creeks, orchards, run down mobile homes, maple trees that are in the peak of autumn..
I’ve been in the bus for more than a hour now..
The only noise is the humm of the motor
and air slippign through the crack in the bus doors.
Jesus has quieted me...
and then He turns to me...
looks at me...
and I know… now that I’m quiet…
it’s safe to share
So I replay the scenes that have hurt me
I hear with a quiet heart... the very loud things that I’ve been carrying..
I feel things that I haven’t been able to pause and feel.
Hard things.
Hurt and grief...
And I see that vision of comfort...
The Lord Jesus wrapping me into his arms..
Burying my face into his chest
It’s so real in my spirit I can almost physically feel it
I don’t get words from the Lord..
I just get a vision of comfort..
The embrace of Jesus
and the little things I share piece by piece eachday
after He’s brought my heart to a queit place
Heal piece by piece eachday.
Slowly...
Painfully.
but with safety..
I drop the student’s off to school.
We play games for ten minutes on the bus because we show up early..
I drive back to the bus barn alone..
With just me and Jesus on the bus.
Quiet.
We’ve worked through some things today..
Mostly by embracing
and being quiet.